{a poem I wrote in 2008}

I am sitting here and wandering what was my life before?
Before I entered Navajoland did I know what it meant to 'give more'
Did I know the deep satisfaction  in loving with no end.
A child that reeked of liquor?or one his mom 'just couldn't stand'?
A child that cried for hours that panic stricken wail.
Desperate to get rid of my love that would not fail.
My arms that held him firmly did not speak of love to him
It made him think of anger or that he'd been bad again!
Did I know that patience is the key to gaining trust?
& when it's time to potty train, it is than a must?!
Did I know that patience  is what would help me through each hour
when attention spans were varied because of what their moms devour?
Did I remember from way back that Jesus listens close
when little boys pray fervently for the 'girl that cleans the clothes'
or for the 'cooker lady' that 'she'll make good food to eat'
or that when we are sleeping 'angels will stand around the gate'?
Did I know that Jesus cares when I am tired of folding clothes?
He cares so much in fact, He'll send a 'sis' to bear the load.
Or a 'tape-note' on the washer. "they made a brand new kind.(of washer)
it washes and it folds it" (no you haven't lost your mind)
did I really know what love was, before I set my feet
into this land of red rocks, love thats boundless & complete?
To hug a child completely, who's hair is caked with 'bugs'
who doesn't know what 'bath' means, cause moms to busy doing drugs.
Is how Jesus looks at us all, dirty sinful lowly men.
But He  looks beyond our 'bugs' with a love that never ends.
Did I know my love I gave, reflected on what I've got?
The kisses on the grubby cheeks,  was God's love being passed on.
Did I know that the best friendships, are made by the 'big girls' beds
when its 2 of us a-singing and we wonder, will it end?
or your working in the kitchen , cooking for this tribe
crying,talking,singing, laughing-till you nearly split your sides!
No, so many things I did not know before I walked inside
the doors of a house so familiar, I could now walk through it blind.
No before I drove up 3rd street, all the way up top the hill.
I never knew so much stuff, that my heart could be SO FULL.
So full of deepest 'mother' love, for children, not my own.
But ones despite their loudest cries, were sent to this 'child care home'
For us to love, to teach of God, that he's 'so Big and strong'
he'll 'keep the bad guys out', then we'd sing the 'twinkle' song.
And now I'm leaving going on from here. My heart is broke in two.
How can I leave these black haired babes? I am giving them to you.
my fellow 'sisters' following me,to God, and back to their land,
the Great Spirit of their nation, please hold tight their tiny hands.
So I can leave in peace, knowing you will carry on.
loving, kissing hugging them from mid-night until dawn.

so. this poem might not make a speck of sense to any of you. but to me? this was my life. My WHOLE life. crammed into 6 short months. way to short. I still dream of this life. Of going back and sleeping in bunk beds, of always having 9 other girl-friends to hang out with when the cleaning, and laundry were done, and our voices were hoarse from singing lullaby's to the kids as they fell asleep...Of soothing a child, a hurting, abused, aching, frightened, screaming child. Of seeing them smile, as you plunked them into that tall tub, for a bath.
Yes, I dream of those days... I dream of black haired babies with names that you couldn't pronounce!
someday... someday I will go back... until then... I am still dreaming:)

(by the way. I do love James and I do enjoy being married to him, In this dream, he goes back there with me;) )

written October 2008 by- ME!!!