{some days I wonder}
Theres this song...
'some days I wonder... at this game called life'
It's been cruising through my mind rapidly today.Starting because of feeling the pain of a friend who is going throughthe same adjustments I am (you know who you are L.)
We struggle with finding our place in a world that is so unlike the one we came from.
We struggle so hard with finding 'true friends' who see us for 'who we are' NOT for 'what we appear to be'.
We appear strong, confidant, and happy. but sometimes deep down there is a raging battle. A battle with fear, self-consciousness, worry. for what people are saying about 'who we appear to be'.
Fear for if that tear does slip out during a song at church that some one will snicker. "Vulnerable woman. Weak. Wimp. Can't handle anything. She choose to marry him so why can't she suck it up. She is stuck here. So why can't she get over it." (figments of my horribly imaginative mind.)
But we feel it. We feel not understood.
And than. some one steps out of the crowd to 'love us'. to look beyond the battle in our hearts and love us how we are. To see beyond our flattish accent. To see our heart.
We wonder is it true. But we have been burnt so we hold off. waiting for the moment that
this 'friend' turns her back and 'slaps us in the face' with a comment, surely not meant to sting. but it does.
It rips at our hearts. and we wonder. Ever? will there ever be anyone who truly 'knows my heart'?
And than another one steps out of the crowd. She does not push. she does not pry.but she loves.
and all you can do is bask in her glow. She probably has no clue what she is doing for me. But the the very essence of her presence in a large crowd will set my mind at ease. She is 'heart friend'. Even though she really does not know a whole lot about me... she chooses to see beyond 'me' and see my heart.
I wonder some more...
because one friend called me today to tell me she is expecting her first child and I smiled! Baby's are the very best way to start people. I am so very excited for her...
but my heart did a plummet when. a very dear, close friend of mine called to say she miscarried her baby.
and I wondered... confused sometimes about this game called life...
But ever so thankful to be given a chance at playing it!:)
'some days I wonder... at this game called life'
It's been cruising through my mind rapidly today.Starting because of feeling the pain of a friend who is going throughthe same adjustments I am (you know who you are L.)
We struggle with finding our place in a world that is so unlike the one we came from.
We struggle so hard with finding 'true friends' who see us for 'who we are' NOT for 'what we appear to be'.
We appear strong, confidant, and happy. but sometimes deep down there is a raging battle. A battle with fear, self-consciousness, worry. for what people are saying about 'who we appear to be'.
Fear for if that tear does slip out during a song at church that some one will snicker. "Vulnerable woman. Weak. Wimp. Can't handle anything. She choose to marry him so why can't she suck it up. She is stuck here. So why can't she get over it." (figments of my horribly imaginative mind.)
But we feel it. We feel not understood.
And than. some one steps out of the crowd to 'love us'. to look beyond the battle in our hearts and love us how we are. To see beyond our flattish accent. To see our heart.
We wonder is it true. But we have been burnt so we hold off. waiting for the moment that
this 'friend' turns her back and 'slaps us in the face' with a comment, surely not meant to sting. but it does.
It rips at our hearts. and we wonder. Ever? will there ever be anyone who truly 'knows my heart'?
And than another one steps out of the crowd. She does not push. she does not pry.but she loves.
and all you can do is bask in her glow. She probably has no clue what she is doing for me. But the the very essence of her presence in a large crowd will set my mind at ease. She is 'heart friend'. Even though she really does not know a whole lot about me... she chooses to see beyond 'me' and see my heart.
I wonder some more...
because one friend called me today to tell me she is expecting her first child and I smiled! Baby's are the very best way to start people. I am so very excited for her...
but my heart did a plummet when. a very dear, close friend of mine called to say she miscarried her baby.
and I wondered... confused sometimes about this game called life...
But ever so thankful to be given a chance at playing it!:)
I read your post, had my breakfast and cannot get you out of my mind. I would like to give you a big hug and have a cry with you but please put up with my ramblings instead!
ReplyDeleteI can relate. I think one of the things that has helped me adjust is to firstly believe in God's total and unconditional love for me, to know who I am as God's child. (the last verses of Romans 8!) I have to remind myself of that so, so many times when the insecurities flood over me. It is easy to listen to the lies that crowd my mind instead of listening to truth. I think too that many cover those same insecurities with a brashness or even unkindness. We 'protect' ourselves in so many strange ways!
You have so very much to offer others. Don't forget that! Hey, your words can be beautiful no matter what the accent! (do we have an accent????) Hang in there and keep trusting God. Life is good even though some days are dark.
I know exactly what you mean and I ache a little for you today! I only moved 6 hours and the accent is the same but I still battle with some of those same feelings almost 11 years later! I tend to "over-feel" and sometimes I feel like people can be so insensitive... but at their heart I truly believe *most* people mean well... They might not understand your emotions and your Canadian "ways" so it might come across the wrong way. Hugs to you today!
ReplyDeleteOk Jen....I simply cannnot read this blog post and NOT comment! I want to just say I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!! And sometimes that is comforting... sometimes it's just all the more frustrating.... If we lived closer (isn't that ALWAYS the problem?) I'd say let's go for coffee and just hash this all out! I remember...sitting in church and crying during songs...and then later feeling silly...I remember crying myself to sleep at night....I remember the days when I wondered if I would ever be happy again... And then I think of you..going thru some of the same emotions and I want to just give you a great big hug!!!! But I'll tell you a little secret..that I'm almost done being embarrassed about.. Today things are different..yep, 4.5 yrs later..coming right up on 5 yrs ago that I burried my head in my Pop's chest and bawled like a baby and said "I don't want to go" (ok, now Im blinking back some tears) but...I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, and when Kev talks about moving away from this land of eternal winter I say to him... "and leave all our friends?!!!) So take courage...find security in your husband and trust me when I say it does get better with time! I still miss my family every single day..and sometimes I do still cry..but now life 2500 miles away from HOME is worth living for me;) And I hope for you that you find as great of friends in Ca. as I have found here! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteOh Jen...Just keep on keeping on! I know the feeling! Tears came to my eyes while reading your post...because it brings back so many feelings and memories. And be proud of your accent! I love that your sisters here still totally have their accent! I hope I don't loose my Southern accent :) HUGS!!!!
ReplyDeleteoh my ittle jennifer dawn.you will always be my little girl....the little girl that walked with her daddy to the pig barn,holding hands and looking up at him you said,daddy,we are just like a married couple,arent we?life goes on..now you have that wonderful mr.jantz holding your hand forever....your king!you have made my tears flow today.i miss and love you so much.lets both be brave.god cares!m
ReplyDeleteO, Jenn, you made us all cry today... Don't we all know the feelings you are having... Call me to talk it out! xoxo
ReplyDeleteJenn! It's such a warm feeling to see how one person can write their heart on a page about their feelings and "figments of a horribly imaginative mind" (I'm with you there) and that it can touch people across the continent.
ReplyDeleteJust this morning, hours and hours before I read your post, I put another wedding announcement on my fridge along with all the other beautiful wedding and birth announcements and I began to think about what it means to feel like you belong and wondering when God would show me where I'm supposed to be and take away that "alone" feeling.
When I read your post I got all teary because it was like God was showing me that you and all of your other readers deal with these feelings of being out of place and confused with the world and that we are not alone in our "alone-ness"
I ache for you and I wish you were closer to your family. I will pray for you! Please keep writing, you make a difference.
Hey Jenn... this totally spoke to my heart! I love my hubby dearly and wouldn't trade life with him for anything! But.... fitting in to this place I now call home? Sometimes after 10 years of marriage I still honestly feel so incredibly outta place here I just want to run, and run, and run and not EVER stop! May you take courage in knowing there are many others who feel the same way, have the same feelings, cry for no apparent reason, and yes, even walk OUT of church sometimes cuz don't wanna let anyone see the tears and wonder "What's wrong with HER?!?!" And take comfort in crying on Hubby's shoulder....
ReplyDeleteso I sat down and wept. thank you to all of you for your encouraging words... they really really mean a lot to me...
ReplyDeleteI am so so so thankfully to have the most amazing guy to hold me when I am crying!I could never do it with out him, and I always tell him- I don't care where we are as long as I'm with you... most days I mean it and then some days i'm not so sure ;)
love you all...
o Jennieee dear...you are making me cry too!! I won't even start with my thoughts and feelings...I'll cry even harder!! Remember I love you...and we ARE 'almost' neighbors...oxox
ReplyDeletep.s. I'm still praying for youknowwhat;)
dear girl! U made me cry too and i dont really even know u except thru your blog... i hav lived here in california my whole life and so im sure my struggles are different than yours but yet somewhat the same... we are the only young couple in our congregation... the only ones without children... me and two of my sister got married within 18 months of each other but they live far away on the other side of the country...a lot of adjustments in a short amount of time... i have some lovely friends :)don't get me wrong, but i still miss a girlfriend who is in the same stage of life as i am... i hope you can keep smiling thru your tears :) u write beautifully... by the way
ReplyDeleteo jenn...you did it again...you made me cry...and those words from your mom were just too much!! Seems we all have different situations in life where this "horribly imaginative mind" and its feelings reek havoc on us. For me the most recent and huge one was when i was pregnant with Jenna, back in the early stages i found myself struggling with, will my friends still like me when they find out i'm producing a handicapped child, one that was just a little less(by our standards) than perfect? And you want to know my biggest fear? taking her to church for the first time...i know people mean well, but when they don't know what to say it often comes out catywompous. I knew some would say,"o she's so cute", others would come.look.and walk away.With her being hospitalized for so long, by the time i could take her i could hardly wait to show our beautiful little girl off!! And i feel like for having to go thru some of these things in life it just makes us better people. So, just cry next time you're lonely, when CA is the last place you wanna be, cuz you can always blog and you'll have lots of gals behind you!! love ya...
ReplyDeletewell, I didn't mean to make you all cry:)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to know I have such a support group!!!
(the cool thing about a blog,eh?!)
Your comments have been re-read x100,348. Just because every time I read them I feel a little bit better...so I will keep re-reading.
always...
Hey, I don't know you but stumbled across your blog and enjoy checking it now and then. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteJenn I didn't see this before today otherwise I would have commented. What really lovely words of encouragement and support and love you've received from those who empathize with you! I understand too Sweetie...so very well. It is hard and I wonder too if a part of our hearts just closes itself to others about it after awhile. We who do choose to live so far from our families meet with a lot of misunderstanding at times and it's hard because on one hand you don't want to complain but on the other, you long for someone to just reach out to you and show love.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you too.
Love Colleen
hey jenn... ok so i'm late but wutev!! you and your friends and your very dear mom, have also made me cry here in alberta this morning! good to know there are others who can feel the 'pains' and also have that 'imaginative mind'! been there! i enjoy looking back to them good ole times and remember the good things you taught me!! (one o them shoppin' for good deals;) love it!!!!!!! now i cry again... the ecard you sent me the other week did a wonderful thing for me! told hub 'that's the kind of friend jenn's always been to me'!! thanks again. life is taking another turn as we return 'home' from being 'home' and there will be adjustments AGAIN! all the best to you my friend. love ya, cjr
ReplyDelete