A grief chat with me…

 

It’s okay to feel happy when you’re celebrating something

It’s okay to feel very sad while you’re smiling about something.

It’s okay to feel happy and sad at the same time.

Sometimes you will be smiling and even laughing while talking with someone but inside your heart literally is shattered. You feel like a heart-broken puppet being commandeered by a clown 

You might be in a season of grief or be grieving the loss of an important person if you can relate to this. You’re not going to cry every hour forever. Someday you’ll smile at something without feeling that slap of guilt - oh I shouldn’t smile when my grief is so fresh and raw. Remind yourself that it’s okay to smile. One day you’ll belly laugh and again, you won’t feel that guilt. Then there will come a day where you go a couple hours with out crying, at first you might even feel guilty about this. But remember that it’s okay, there aren’t any rules; emotions ebb and flow.  I used to wonder how people could compare grief to the waves of the ocean but now I know. The waves lap at the shore for a bit and then boom. They crash and rip and tumble and you gasp for air but then it’s a bit calmer for awhile and over and over and over. 

One thing about grief that I wasn’t prepared for was that feeling of guilt. Guilt that I hadn’t thought of her all morning or guilt that I laughed the day after her funeral or guilt that I forgot it was the 8th month death-aversary. The what ifs and had I onlys are another big side of it. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for words left unspoken or forgotten dates. Remind yourself this- my laughter doesn’t mean I have forgotten. Even if you forget certain dates doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your person or that you love them less. 

Holidays bring another painful aspect to grief. So many things can cause a wave of grief to hit. It’s okay to lay aside traditions of their too difficult and it’s also okay to start new traditions. Remind yourself - starting new traditions doesn’t mean I have forgotten it maybe means I am honoring my person or something else. Give yourself the grace to skip a party if it feels too uncertain. If you want to go but feel nervous have a ‘back door’ exit plan before you go. Sometimes the scariest thing about grief for me is ‘what if a wave of grief hits while I’m _____.’ Ive wept in front of kind strangers over random words Spoken and then there’s been times when strangers have asked me - is that your mom? And I’ve smiled (not even cried) and said ‘no, I wish’. (Literally has happened multiple times, how random right?) More than once I’ve been grocery shopping and seen something that reminded me of my mom and I’d lose it, leaning on that red shopping cart trying to not ugly cry wail in the milk aisle at target. It’s okay to leave the cart with your things in it and walk to your car. It’s also okay to have a little cry and then lift your chin and power through until you get to your car or home. 

Something I have told to people following in my grief footsteps is to not suppress your tears . I know some people have a music playlist or songs that are their ‘cry songs’. Tears are our bodies way of releasing emotions and crying is such an integral part of grief. It can be messy, ugly and loud but let it out. If you have little children that are sensitive to your tears find a closet or turn the shower on or if it’s suitable sit in your car. There is something sublimely healing about a good sob fest. Someone once told me- I can feel a big cry coming on. And I felt that so much. When we have big emotions going on they build up over a day or a week or whatever and somehow those Emotions need to get out. Find a way to let that happen.

Know you are loved and that ‘The 5 stages of Grief’ don’t happen in stages. There is no specific path of grief. It’s what heals your soul and soothes your heart and comforts your mind. Cry when the tears come. Scream and pound your fists on the floor when the pain cuts deep. Pray when the fear feels suffocating. Or don’t. It’s your journey and you are worthy of feeling safe even when your world feels flipped upside down.