Do You Remember?

  The body never forgets. Have you ever heard that before? There is a book I am reading called The Body Keeps the Score. Most of the time when I read it, it feels far above my head but there are parts of it that I can so relate to. 

 I never really understood that in my own life. The book makes sense to me now but 8 years ago I would have been very intrigued but that's about it. I had had the familiar feeling of dread or worry come over me when I would think about enduring another pregnancy or postpartum depression. There are things in life that you go through that you will never forget. There are also things in life we go through but after a while we forget certain aspects or pieces of the story. What is crazy to me is that your brain/body doesn't forget those things. You know how when you are entering your pin number for your debit card and your mind goes blank but then you put your fingers on the keypad and it's like your fingers just remember exactly where to go? It's crazy. Your body doesn't forget. 

 Last year sometime, I don't even remember the specific date, I woke up with such a heavy dark cloud, metaphorically hanging over me. My body felt off and I wept and ached the entire day. I was physically feeling the pain of grief but also something about how I felt was different. I didn't understand or know what it was. Like I have said multiple times I don't remember details, but somehow by the end of the day it occurred to me, by someone telling me or me looking back on dates, that it was the exact date we had found out Mum had leukemia. We had known it was possible but the date it was confirmed. The date my very greatest feared thing in life, since I was 16, happened. Cancer had come back. The date my heart broke, again. 

 I have enough dates to try and keep track of in my head, that specific date is not one I keep track of. I know the general timeline but I have to actually go look to find out specifics. My body remembered. You can think whatever you want right now, that it was just coincidence or whatever. That's okay. This is my story. But your body keeps the score, it's scientific. Your very being can hold on to so much that we forget. 

 When a person has had a tragedy or trauma occur to them they hold life in a different light. So many things that I once thought important are not that much anymore. The things I worry about and overthink about are somewhat different than they were 10 years ago. I'm guessing those things will all change again over time. I won't always think of cancer or death when someone near to me is sick. I won't always cry over specific songs or stories. Some day attending every day of school and every obligatory function might become more important to me. Now if there is a chance to love and give security to the people nearest me I take that chance, even if it means missing other less important things in this scheme of life. Some things your mind and heart just don't ever forget. So just love, so much love.